Journey

Coming out of a huge health detour, I find myself poised on the brink of my chosen career Ð professional pop singer, bound for the world stage. At my age, (like IÕm going to tell you!) it seems daunting. My ego wants to have a heyday with negative scenarios, time-based panic, and fear-based back-up plans. Yet, whenever I step out into my heartÕs path, I find myself in Free Awareness, unaware of time or fear or limits. IÕm filled with love and childlike wonder. I am ego-less, occupying and commanding larger and larger spaces.

Let me back up a bit. Before I met Mary and joined the school one year ago, I had lost 100 pounds for the second time in four years! This was the final weight-loss cycle. I had opted for an advanced surgical technique (gastric rings) which is 100% reversible and less intrusive than previous, sometimes horrific procedures. Still, I was stuck in a holding pattern when I decided to explore the Personal Journey. With 40+ pounds to go, I was at a weight plateau. I needed to do something so different that my world would never be the same. I was also not actively singing, unemployed, not dating, living alone, estranged from my family and watching a lot of TV. I came to the right place.

One year later, I have lost 40 pounds, gone from a size 14-16 to a size 4-6 (right off the rack!), have been working-out regularly for one year (never done that before) and have had some singing career highlights. This includes a national television and Carnegie Hall performance (December, 1998). I have had extraordinary experiences in my life through the Transpersonal Journey. Great boyfriends, healing of family rifts, a great day job, a great roommate, and having more fun. I cannot recognize my own life! Lucky for me, I have the companionship and leadership of my Transpersonal teacher, Mary, and my excellent classmates to say IÕm right on track. I have the ability to ÒsurfÓ my life, aware of a larger plan (big wave) and so in the moment that I can appreciate what is showing up for me to look at (hanging ten.) This is a lot different than constantly chewing on everything like a dog with a bone and being so controlling as to discard any coincidence; powering through life with goals and plans ad nauseum (wipeout.) Been there, done that.

I feel so capable. I am no longer constantly future-tripping, but in the moment, curious and giddy. I feel unfettered by the past. I am not always rehashing old hurts or replaying old romances. I can see ego and its separation techniques so much better every day. I can see and feel my own life happening and opening and unfolding like never before. I am alive Ð yes! It is my life I get to play in and feel safe in. My wildest dreams have come true plus MORE. How do you say thanks for THAT? Wow! Just watch me!

Gina Zollman is currently a Transpersonal Journey student, a commodities broker trainee and is writing aone-woman show, Ò50% Off.Ó She will also be competing in July in New York City in the International Modeling and Talent Association representing John Robert Powers of Beverly Hills.

I had a wonderful, close friend who I had been in a relationship with for most of my adult life. She was very smart and funny and could always land on her feet in any emergency. You can imagine how helpful her advice was in times of change, crisis or confusion. She always had an answer and some way to proceed. I could count on her to be there for me even without me asking. We were so close that when I decided to move to California, she made the journey with me. In some ways, I trusted her opinion over my own which made me feel a little inferior to her. But the thought of disturbing the Òstatus quoÓ and the structure of our relationship was way to threatening to me. I loved her like a sister, she knew me better than anyone and I always felt I was so lucky to have her in my life.

Perhaps you have a friend like this, someone you care about and rely on. In fact, I know you do, for my friendÕs name is EGO. I never knew her name. You would think that over the years, I would have inquired as to who she was and her origins. But it was so comforting and reassuring to be in her presence that I never developed the curiosity or the courage to investigate her roots. It wasnÕt until I noticed that my life was not completely working that I began to re-assess our relationship. What I discovered scared and shocked me.

This wonderfully nurturing friend had come to possess me and trap me into as many familiar patterns that I had become separate from a great deal of my life. For example, EGO had convinced me I was not capable of writing the book I dreamed of writing, That I was not truly loved and meant to be abandoned ultimately by all and that I had no discipline over food or illness in my life. Now I understood, with all this going on, that I still had a loving, caring family, I had managed to create a successful career and that I had wonderful friends. But there was that big but. But I didnÕt feel completely connected to who I was, but I didnÕt feel like I was living in my bigness, but I didnÕt feel fluid and connected at all times. I lived in this frustrated state for several years, not knowing what to do to change it, not trusting it could ever be different. I attempted change through spiritual workshops, healers, therapy and prayer, all of which truly helped. But the patterns were too ingrained to leave behind completely. I was unable to identify them specifically enough to easily recognize them in any situation. I wondered, would I ever be free?

Freedom. There is a word I longed to hear, a state of being I longed to possess. Around this time, I started the Personal Journey course work. It was to be my last stop, my last attempt to learn to be openhearted enough to end the illusion of separation. In the PJW, I received much of what I had already known but the energy and the structure of the work provided something new. I learned a very tangible way to reveal my patterns and to break them. For example, in January, my mother came to visit me. It was the first time we were alone together for probably twenty years. I had done a great deal of inner healing work around my mother but I still felt anxious about her arrival. After all, I had managed to withhold much of myself from her as a way to protect myself from being intimate and risking abandonment. But I was determined to be present with her every moment, avoid recreating patterns and reach a state of open-heartedness. I am happy to say we had a wonderful visit. Wow! Being in an open heart really works.

My friend EGO doesnÕt live with me anymore. Now, she just visits and we have had to negotiate how we spend time together, We are in transition until we solidify our roots in Òfreedom.Ó I still have some fond memories of when she was in charge of my life but I also giggle at the thought that today, I am so much more free and in the moment. I can sit quietly looking at my two beautiful dachshunds sleeping and feel as complete and close to God as I ever have been.

For the past several months, I have been in a calm, serene state of awareness. The synchronicity within my life is ever present, not as a marveling new thing, but as an everyday occurrence which I look for or expect when a decision looms ahead. It is not new and unique; it is a part of life that I wonder how I could have ever done without. With this calm awareness, I approached a farmers market and art fair with my friend Ingrid who had come to the beach to spend a weekend of relaxation away from her two energetic boys.

First we purchased fresh fruits and vegetables. Each stand offered us a new olfactory and visual treat, sometimes a gustatory sampling. Each merchant sold the produce with a different call; ÒFree samples; I guarantee you will not leave without a bag of (strawberries, peaches, apricots). ÒFresh tomatoes, the sweetest in the country.Ó ÒTry the wheat grass cocktail for an energy boost,Ó and more. We each satisfied our future hungers with treasures not found in the local supermarkets.

After returning our priceless morsels to the carÕs cooler, we returned to the street to wander through the art wares. There were the usual natural soaps, ceramic pots, glass vases, country dresses, and wooden toys. Ingrid was looking for a special gift from the beach for each of her boys. As we waited for the pedestrian signal at the end of the first block, we spotted several tiny kites on long strings fluttering about in the ever-present sea breeze. They looked small and simple enough for a young boy to maneuver without a great deal of adult supervision. The perfect toy to be bought by a single mom with too many responsibilities already.

The pocket kites were magnificent. Constructed of ripstop (almost indestructible) and in brilliant color combinations, the decision wasnÕt whether or not to buy but rather which color each boy would like. The child in me decided that I also needed one of purple, green, and long pink tail for my flagpole. I asked the vendor how I would attach it if I were not flying it in the usual manner. The man instructed me carefully on how to keep the string from tangling as the kite sought its own course upon the top of the pole, in singular flight. He answered with care as Ingrid asked several more questions. One could tell that he adored his kites, loved to fly them and enjoyed sharing them with others.

The sidewalk was crowded with pedestrians, strollers, dogs and merchants. One could not move rapidly. Slowly and methodically, we maneuvered in between the people, away from the pocket kite man. I stopped to view into a store window to my right, my friend Ingrid lingering to my left. I felt a hand upon my upper arm, directing my attention toward the crowd. I thought it was Ingrid pointing out another treasure that she didnÕt want me to miss. As I turned, I came face to face, and rather closely I might add, with the kite man. He had abandoned his small display and followed us up the street.

The kite man said, in a low voice, ÒI just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful face.Ó It was an epiphanic moment, one of those moments of awareness one treasures. I stood there in a warm sense of calm. He again reiterated, ÒYou have a beautiful face.Ó There was nothing much to say other than, ÒThank youÉ..Thank you very much.Ó

We did not see each other again, but my day and those following were enriched by the synchronicity of that heart felt moment. It was a very beautiful moment of awareness. Others have followed but none so special and spontaneous as the pocket kite man.

In this column, you will find upcoming Rocamora School events, information related to our school community and things we may need your assistance with.

We have created some new addresses that you should know about. If you would like to e-mail Mary Rocamora personally her address is: mary@rocamora.org, if you would like to find out general information about the school or have any questions the address is: info@rocamora.org