Journey

The most fascinating thing about Ego is its power to deceive us. It
was superbly designed for this purpose, kind of like a great white
shark. So much so that it can masquerade as our ally, our sole defense,
our "savior" -- for much of our lives. For all our lives, unless we're
fortunate enough to engage it in work like the Personal Journey.

My own adventure on this path brings many things to mind. After initial
encounters, skirmishes, even battles won, Ego retreats, hides and plays
dead. But don't expect any mia culpas from this little shit.

Because he (or she) will continue to take pot shots at our emerging
selves from every conceivable position. No holds barred. One that
visits me frequently (though less so these days is that inner voice that
pops up whenever a conflict, large or small, surfaces with a spouse,
lover, friend, stranger, car valet, grocery clerk...you get the idea.
For me, that voice has become a primary red flag. EGO APPROACHING! It
takes several forms, but with a little familiarity it's not that
difficult to identify. First, its a voice -- any voice -- any
"rehearsal" of a response to an imagined conversation or confrontation.
"You said you'd call," or "I told you how crazy it makes me when you..."
etc.
They're endless.
They're all the same.
They are not your friend.

Notice also the emphasis in these dialogues so frequently emphasized
"you," meaning the other person. Another red flag. It's Ego's way of
saying you are a victim, in need of defense.

Bad premise.
Wrong premise.

Don't buy into it. It's Ego's way of seeing you. It doesn't have to be
yours. Don't provide a safe haven for those voices. They're endless.
They are Ego in full dress rehearsal, pretending to protect you,
pretending to be life.

Practice letting those voices slip away, identifying them as false
prophets and they will fade...and since nature abhors a vacuum, they
will be replaced by a wonderful and new thing called living in the
present.

Paying close attention all the time is the most important element in
achieving a sustainable free state of awareness. Being aware only when
we are grabbed by the throat when our most painful patterns are up is
really insufficient for Personal and Transpersonal Journey work. But
how can we best cultivate this all important skill?

Initially, the issue of paying attention is focused on being able to
recognize contrasting states -- when we are trapped in something that
feels old, familiar and repetitive, and when we feel free and present
and can recognize more about what is really there to be lived in the
moment. The way we want to pay attention is to slow things down so more
can be seen. It is by recognizing contrasting states, especially if the
context is the same, that we develop the ability to exercise choice and
willingness. For example, Judy gets notice of an unanticipated audit
from the IRS and the old fear and anger pattern strikes. The next time
news of the upcoming audit arrives, she is present and takes the news in
stride. From the contrasting states in the same context, she can see
which feels trapped and which feels free, and which feels more natural.

Then it's on to paying attention to explore and expose the larger and
pervasive Ego pattern. Paying attention to Ego involves slowing down
even more and turning up the volume so we can hear exactly what we are
telling ourselves, even the subtle voices. Paying attention to Ego also
requires us to see how life is being limited by our beliefs, judgments,
stories, and mind chatter. Paying attention when we're present is the
key to developing sustainability.

It becomes even more challenging to pay attention when we voluntarily
begin to explore the view from the open heart. To offset the tendency
of Ego to co-opt what Awareness has seen, each moment has to be felt
into as a fresh, new moment so the real feeling in the heart can be
experienced right now. For example, if the heart feels like love a lot
of the time, Ego might decide, "Oh, an open heart always feels like
love." Then other heart feelings could be missed. Paying attention
also involves catching Ego's sneaky attempts at bargaining ("I'll be
open with Sam but not with Joan because she's so needy"), resisting
("This work will turn me into a doormat"), asserting the right to pick
and choose ("I want to feel joy but I don't want to feel grief") and
other such distortions.

The ultimate purpose of paying attention is to get us to the point where
we are in a sustainable free state. Then more can be seen about how the
free state is constructed and what is actually there. A deeper sense of
what Now is about emerges and the journey of the heart expands and
refines. The uniqueness of each human being becomes more fully
accessible.

My Father's Death
by Stephanie Stone

As I look back over all that has occurred I can see very clearly the amazing unfolding of the lifeplan. I was born into a family of sensitive, extremely creative, physic, and highly artistic people. With big hearts and quick minds. Also a history of chemical imbalance, including Schizophrenia. The family tree is riddled with father damage of every kind possible. Morgan the Pirate is my ancestor, that shows you the depth of masculine abuse inflicted. We in my family laugh about this because we also see the positive rebellious nature we inherited from our pirate history. My father was a artist (painter)and he was really wonderful at it. He was also a highly decorated professional soldier. He was a very emotionally wounded man from fighting in two wars. In World War II he was on the beach at Normandy and survived. He also saw a lot of action in Korea. He came back not able to function very well in normal life. Growing up with him was abusive and devastating to all of us. My parents divorced when I was 9. My father all but disappeared from any fathering and lived like a hermit until he died. My brothers, my Mom and I spent many years and worked our tushies off healing and creating a new life for ourselves. My father however continued to live like a hermit, very shut off. We kept asking him to family events and he wouldnít show up or hardly communicate with us until 3 or 4 years ago. It was all the powerful healing work we had done on ourselves and with each other that started to pry him out of his cave. He began to open up very slowly. Then he died of a heart attack quickly in his home. It was a total surprise and none of the family knew. A neighbor across the street named Al had befriended my Dad near the end of his life. And made it his business to be a good neighbor and connect with my father. Al was the one who found my number and called me a week later. When I found out about my fathers death, I became chemically imbalanced from the grief and stress. Earlier that year I had two other major loses, as a result I was not in good shape. Al stepped in like an angel. Has handled so many things. It has been such a gift. The love has been totally held by this man. And here is the amazing part now. He is going to buy my Dads home. Al wants to stay near his children as he is parting ways with his wife. This way he will be able to stay close to his children and be the Dad to his kids that he never had with his Dad. It feels like a healing and completion all the way around. Al not only has been an angel to me, he is buying my fatherís house to be a good father to his kids. He is going to fix up my Dads home which is really in terrible shape from neglect. So my fatherís house will be healed as well. I know that my Dad was trying to heal the best he could and he connected with Al to accomplish through Al what he wasnít able to do himself. So he could leave this earth having made an effort to change what had been so destructive to us all. God bless him. I see the lifeplan clearly. I see how the love and powerful synchronicities have fallen into place. All the work and pain suffered from all the family damage brought to a loving place. And we all win big!!! And the love is served.